I am on a 31-hour train ride leaving my home city for my family home in Nova Scotia. It’s the first time in a couple of months I have had nothing to do but sit, take blurry photos out the window and let my thoughts wander.
All I can think about is how coming home to Toronto sucked.
Sure the first few days were exciting. But after the initial hoopla, answering my favourite places and how I felt feel great to be home something terrible happened.
A darkness started creeping in.
I knew life moved on without me. But I have started to wonder if there’s any room left for me there. I’m not so sure it mattered that I was gone. I don’t know if my friends really cared. I’m not so sure that we were great friends. I spent ten years in Toronto and considered it my home, but now I am not so sure.
It feels terribly lonely.
I’ve spent a lot of time in tears, realizing that people I thought I would have lifelong friendships with don’t seem to have much time for me anymore. It’s like a mourning period, when you realize your old life is gone.
It is the first time since I left that I wondered if I did the right thing. Should I have left my boyfriend, job, apartment and friends.
In some ways it feels like I gambled and lost.
And now I am in this limbo where I am home only for a short time and then off again. But coming home has confused and depressed me.
I had been warned by other travel bloggers that this would happen. I knew that people had a tough time resettling back into life. But I’m not exactly resettling which is part of the problem.
I don’t belong anywhere anymore.
And the darkness worries me. I’ve met people who have travelled for years and they are always a bit off. There is something a bit socially inept about them and now I’m starting to realize why.
Traveling solo means you can easily lose that sense of connectedness. When you have lost your old life but are still searching for your new one.
My feelings are still raw about all of this but the good news is that I’m off to Nova Scotia to spend time with my family and for me that is a very good thing. They have always been my biggest supporters and I really need that right now.
I didn’t write this to have a pity party but to share both the highs and lows of my journey – geographically and emotionally. The good news is that I have an amazing family, one that has always been my biggest supporter even when they don’t understand me.
I know this feeling will pass and things will get better but right now it’s just a deep pit of sorrow and I’m swimming in it.