Today I am 35 years old.
It’s such a strange feeling to be at an age that previously seemed so old. I have never felt younger and more alive. It seems that I am a contradiction of my own beliefs and that’s the way I like it.
For the last few months as I approached my 35th birthday, a milestone, I started to contemplate my life as bit more – as if traveling and blogging hadn’t fueled my over rampant introspection enough.
The reason I left to travel was because of my age. At 32 I had the financial means to travel or put a downpayment on a home. I knew it was my last chance for one great adventure before I had to settle down and have children. I was afraid to lose my independence and this was one last act of selfish rebellion.
I had to do it before I had children, the next logical step in life. But I have really never wanted children.
But that clock would start ticking any time soon, right?
In Central America I met so many other women in their 30s all feeling the same thing. Finally at a point where they were comfortable with themselves and not ready to give it all up for a family.
I was no longer alone. Others felt the same way. And not just a few. There were lots.
While age seemed to be such a big part of my life at home, it was invisible on the road. I had good friends both 15 years younger and older than I – friends because we had similar interests not simply because we were the same age.
That was over two years ago. And while I still haven’t felt even a murmur of the fertility clock I know my time is running out. Before you protest I know there is still time, but years pass so quickly.
I admire people who are brave enough to announce they don’t want children. I’m not there yet because I don’t know. In 3-5 years I won’t have that choice. And that scares me. What if I make the wrong decision?
I’m running out of time.
I always knew my life would be unconventional, I’m cursed with becoming bored far too easily. But there are always consequences and mine may be that I never have a family. But at this point I’m okay with that because my life is now better than it was 2 years ago, 5 years ago even ten years ago.
I had no idea my life would turn out this way.
Although I guess saying “turn out” is really misleading because it is far from over. I feel so lucky for everything that has passed in the last few years and proud of myself for taking the leap into the unknown.
I may be 35 but this still feels like the beginning.