Toronto, Canada
I wrote about this in September’s newsletter, where I share things that I may not always want to live permanently on my site but after receiving so many notes of support I thought I should post here as well.
It’s been a bumpy road.
Although I said I was retiring from nomadic life last December, I haven’t been around Toronto much at all. I had hoped to stick around all summer but there was Portland, New York and Montreal. I haven’t felt settled. So I was ready for Labour Day to start really feeling like I lived in Toronto.
Not so fast.
I mistakenly counted on two things 1) My old agency could take me back on a contract. We had spoken back in June and things looked good. 2) I would have more time for this guy I was seeing (yes I know I said I didn’t want to write about my dating life but it factors into this story).
Nothing worked out.
The agency doesn’t have any work and that guy decided it was not going to work with him either.
The first few days I felt really alone.
My friends have been wrapped up in their own things lately and that was fine because I was away most of the summer and spending my free time with the boy. But without the boy or a job and no friends I was lonely.
How did I get here?
After a day of wallowing in ridiculous self-pity, eating dubious amounts of chocolate and watching a 12-hour marathon of the Golden Girls I realized something.
I’m happy I have nothing.
I jumped into a relationship without having a foundation. Over the summer I was just running from one thing to another. I couldn’t even really buy groceries because I was always out of the city doing something else.
Sure it sucks that I’m single and unemployed. But the flip side is that I have this tremendous gift. I have the time to figure out what I really want in this city. I can devote my days to what is important to me. All it took was changing my frame of thinking and I realized that being dumped by my agency and guy were the two best things that could happen.
I have been cooking. Something that I love to do and just didn’t find the time before. I could spend hours chopping vegetables and listening to music, it’s like meditation to me.
I signed up for a local organic box. I had put this off all summer because if you pay for a big box of vegetables to come every week you need to cook a lot, I got my first box from Fresh City Farms and I was overjoyed to see heirloom tomatoes.
I have been doing yoga. My studio is right behind my building but I didn’t go all summer!
I have been going to the gym. I am lucky there is a gym in my building. I now have the time to get back into the shape I was before traveling.
I have been volunteering. I’ll share more this week but I’ve started talking to people in the community about helping them out with events.
This is all to say that sometimes things happen and they make you feel terrible about yourself and your future. Yes eventually I would like to be earning more money and I would like to be dating. But right now I’m taking this time as the pre-cursor to that. Some people go to find themselves on the road. I did it two and a half years ago.
But now I need to find myself in Toronto.
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I'm Ayngelina and in my mid-thirties. I left an amazing job, boyfriend, apartment and friends to find inspiration in Latin America. I'm creating a new life choosing what I want instead of what other people think I should do.
Sorry to hear about the disappointments, but good on you for not wallowing. Seriously impressed at quickly you turned it around (I’ve never watched Golden Girls – are they the key?) and sounds like you could use a nice break to focus on yourself and living in Toronto anyway!
Edna recently posted..8 adventures to have in Inner Mongolia
Oh, the Golden Girls are ALWAYS the key.
Caro recently posted..Sofia Bulgaria : Our favourite city in Eastern Europe
If I feel down, I try to remind myself that I’m so fortunate to have abilities, interests and so many options, that it sure could be a million times worse, like the dirt poor guys who work in my hotel practically 24/7 for room and board only, while hoping for meager tips from guests.
EarthDrifter recently posted..Mutabbaq: A Taste of Arabia
I know it is so dreadful to have self pity when people would kill to be in my position.
Sometimes freedom can be the biggest gift you can get – just remember that everything happens for a reason and what’s meant to be will happen!
Kieron recently posted..Singapore At Night
True, you can`t go wrong with freedom. That is a nice way to look at it.
Oh, boo, girl. Sounds like you’re doing all the right stuff to get yourself out of the funk. Though I’m still concerned about the 12 hours of Golden Girls.
Jen recently posted..Daily Blender Exclusive: Butcher and Entrepreneur Pat LaFrieda, Jr.
If you are concerned clearly you have not watched the Golden Girls lately, awe-some.
Maybe there’s a better job for you and a better man for the future. I’m glad though that you were able to work on some tasks that will surely contribute to your growth as a person. Best of luck!
Micamyx|Senyorita recently posted..The Travel Blog Relay Challenge: My Top 3 Travel Memories
Better job and better man, I like your way of thinking!
*Hugs* More time for us? Please?
Hogga recently posted..Get Off Your Fucking Phone, Stop Taking Pictures and Enjoy Life
Always more time for you, especially now that you live downtown.
Sorry to hear things didn’t work out as planned, but I’m sure I read a quote from none other than yourself recently about how, often, that turns out to be a good thing! I’m sure it will work out. In the meantime, all those hobbies you have in Toronto sound great!
Arianwen recently posted..What to expect from a Galapagos cruise
Haha Ari I am sure I have written about this before, I should be reading my own words!
This post really hits home.
Stephanie – The Travel Chica recently posted..Columbus rocks! My 4 music obsessions
The upside in all of it is to have people understand how you feel…
Have fun exploring your “new city”!! It does sound like you have a ton of stuff to keep you busy… good for you on not letting small disappointments get you down.
Remember, if you get bored in TO, you always have a couch in Regina!!!
Skott – Get Up and Globe recently posted..I’ll Take ‘Highlights Of My Life’ For $1,000 Please, Alex
Thanks Skott, you would not believe how much Toronto has changed in the last two years, did you find the same in Regina?
In fairness, I don’t know if Regina has changed, or perhaps it is us? Only been home two weeks, and although there have been many awesome things about returning, we are still struggling to fit in 100%…
Skott – Get Up and Globe recently posted..Happy To Be Here… VERY Happy To Be Here
Be prepared for more of that. When I first got home last summer I went through a mild depression and a lot of other bloggers who went through the same thing were there for me. It was nice to talk to people who understood, especially as I was on my own. It did pass and I was able to find my place but it was tough. Well of course then I took off again…
So true….life serves you things, sometimes crappy things, just at the time you need to take heed and find a way through. An uncanny way of working out, if you are able to look at them in a different way – which you have!
Enjoy TO – there is so much on your doorstep – I was NEVER without something awesome to do when I was there (whilst you were all over the place, ha!).
Tash recently posted..View From Top Of The Rock
Toronto really is such a wonderful city and now is the time to enjoy it.
Honestly I would love to have the time and space to do any of those things you mentioned you have been doing. More power to you for changing your frame of thinking to make it something positive. Did you end up traveling in California this summer?
Jenna recently posted..Photo of the Week: Bodega Head
I wanted to do a road trip in California but I didn`t want to go alone. Somehow traveling on my own is fine but a road trip really needs another person. Someday!
I’m going to be home and resettling in Portland early next year, and it makes me happy to read about the joy of heirloom tomatoes and cooking helping you re-connect with {this new} life. And yoga and volunteering, too. Come to think of it, I like the sounds of everything on that list except the gym
But honestly – good job on taking charge and redirecting your time and energy. I admire that.
Bethany ~ twoOregonians recently posted..Stumbling Into Myst
Be prepared for some low feelings. When I first came home last July I went into a mild depression but I spoke to a lot of bloggers who shared the same feelings and realized I was not alone. It helped me get out of the funk this time, knowing it was normal and wasting time on my pity party was futile.
If I felt down.. I always think positive and it’s really helps to gain my confidence again. Always keep your faith in God. You are special.
Thanks for your kind words Susan.
When things fall through or don’t go as planned it can easily feel like everything starts spinning out of control…but it sounds like you’ve realized you’re still in control and can turn the situation into whatever you want, which is key! Good luck!
Alana – Gen Y Wanderer recently posted..Spirit Houses – Cleaning Up My San Pram Phum
Travel has definitely taught me I cannot always be in control but coming back to my old city I quickly forgot that. Lesson learned.
I think for all of us that travel, sometimes we live lives in days, and when things don’t go our way sometimes, we are quick to wallow. But, it sounds like you’re keeping busy and that’s the way to do it!
Jeremy recently posted..Ridin’ Hogs in Bohol, Philippines
Oh I am a wallower but after a day or so I get tired of myself and move on.
I can definitely identify with your comment about chopping vegetables, especially ones that arrived at your door without you specifically choosing them. I’m a more adventurous cook when someone else does this shopping! In your case it sounds like the local organic delivery service might be filling that role.
Take care
Leslie recently posted..Felices Fiestas Patrias!
It is like my own version of Iron Chef, the box shows up and I have to figure it out.
I hope you find yourself at Travel Massive on Thursday :p
Glad you’re able to see the positive through all of the let downs. I would probably take much longer to recover than you, hehe.
Seattle Dredge recently posted..Mountain Biking Down a Volcano at Sunrise
I have no television
It`s either find something to do or stare at the wall!
Sigh, I miss cooking. It can be really therapeutic, yes? Sorry things didn’t work out with the job and the boy. Definitely been there! Good luck with everything …and by the way, what a great feature photo!
It`s one of my favourite photos of Toronto, sadly someone just tagged it with graffiti. I hope they restore it.
I’m sorry to hear about all the recent disappointments, Ayngelina. But I’m happy to hear you’re putting a positive spin on things, and looking at this as an opportunity to get to reacquainted with Toronto.
Good luck!
Amanda recently posted..What’s it Like to Travel with Intrepid?
Life is full of ups and downs, this is just a big downer
Even though I’m not the biggest fan of Toronto… sounds like you have a good time ahead of you! I get down like that at times too, especially on the employment front. Freaking frustrating! I’m a good guy – give me a chance? Handsome face?
Best of luck though!
Margyle recently posted..That’s Just About the Craziest Thing I’ve Ever Seen – Hobo Poop Box
If you have only experienced Toronto as a tourist you really miss out. It is not a great city to visit unless you stay with a local. It is one of the most diverse, multicultural places to live and being in the city is like traveling around the world. Let me know the next time you come through and I will show you.
Sometimes it takes a bit of doing, shifting, and re-prioritizing but you will find your perfect balance. Everything that’s happened to you is part of the process.
Marsha recently posted..Wildlife of Coastal California: The Elephant Seals at Piedras Blancas
My worst flaw is that I am impatient, I like things to happen *now* and I think that is what got me into this situation. But I will learn and it won`t happen again.
I always think it’s amazing how much power our minds have. You have a ton of talent and so much going for you that it won’t be long before you’re doing somersaults again. Good luck in Toronto.
Leigh recently posted..Lured by Larches: A Hike to Taylor & O’Brien Lakes, Banff NP
Thanks so much Leigh, I know it will get better and the faster I get over my own bruised ego the faster it will happen.
I always embrace life’s disappointments and don’t mind sharing them with my readers. Nothing to be embarrassed about when you’re being completely honest. You’ll be fine. I am certain.
Franco recently posted..Weddings can be dreadful
Out of every disappointment in my life has come something amazing, I just need some patience.
Bumps in the road that’s all. I have a feeling you’re a tough cookie and can handle it. Keep on cooking!
A Cook Not Mad (Nat) recently posted..Meeting the Bánfalvis
You can count on that!
I totally know how you feel… right now I’m single and unemployed as well and it’s a bit scary to feel like your life doesn’t have a lot of structure. But as you said it’s freeing as well.
Ashley of Ashley Abroad recently posted..The Art of French Cheese Eating
Despite leaving everything 2.5 years ago I really do crave structure. I think I just need to find a different kind that doesn`t depend on other people.
Good luck on your search for it as well!
I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced some downs lately, but you know what they say, you can’t fully appreciate the ups without the downs. It sounds like you’re realizing that. Enjoy doing “nothing” though your nothing sounds pretty fabulous!
Andi of My Beautiful Adventures recently posted..Puerto Rico & Dominica: Day 4 (Part 2)
Well I have no television so I can`t sit and veg all day, and that is probably a good thing.
Keep smiling Ayngelina! If you cook too much one day, just let me know
Seriously though…sounds like you’re enjoying some ‘me’ time, which is always good for the soul.
Red Hunt recently posted..The Final Eight Destinations
And where should I ship all this food, because I have been canning up a storm!
Ha, do you ship to the Galapagos Islands? If not, just visit while I’m working there and hand deliver them…!
Red Hunt recently posted..Simushir Island – Cold War Art in the Kuril Islands
Way to look on the bright side! It probably feels good to be able to establish a life there. I’m loving being single. It’s opening me up to so many experiences I couldn’t have otherwise had. Hope you find the same as well
Ava Apollo recently posted..The Shoulder Surgery that Pushed Me to Travel
I think I pushed things because I had been single and without employment for so long I pushed to make it happen. Rejection hurts but it`s not the end of the world.
I just want to do all those things that you list have been keeping you busy – they sound like such good, wholesome, fun activities AND I want to hang out with you in Toronto again… I wish you the best adventures there. x
Frankie (Bird) recently posted..Dreaming in Black & White: Quebec City
Each day definitely gets better and it all feels less dramatic.
I know what it feels like to feel as if everything has been pulled out from under you but it’s great that your looking at all the positives and have great perspective. It’s all we can do to keep moving forward.
Happy cooking. that’s something I love to do as well but don’t always have time for either.
I know everything will fall into place for you soon!
Roamingtheworld recently posted..New beginnings bring new goals and possibilities
Cooking was such a big part of my life before I left to travel. I didn`t have much opportunity to do it on the road and for some reason I haven`t really gotten back into it. But I`m making it a priority – plus it`s good for the bank account!
I was going to say sorry things didn’t work out on both fronts, but as I kept reading, I realized how much of a blessing it is – you will have the time to find yourself, and find your inner bliss! I have only 1 month left on the road before facing the return to home and no job blues, but am really looking forward to it – a chance to do the things at home that I never got to do due to work and commitments…enjoy the time….it won’t last long!
Anita Mac recently posted..Croatia – when can I come back?
When I first came home last summer I had huge issues and dealt with post travel depression. If you ever feel it send a message my way, I find almost everyone who travels for an extended period goes through it and thinks they are the only one.
I had the a similar experience in NYC: it took longer to get a job than I anticipated, leaving me with lots of downtime to feel a bit lonely and disappointed. I finally realized that this was an amazing opportunity to get to relax and see the city–joining the MoMA, walking the High Line, spending lazy afternoons in Central Park. And, of course, everything worked out even better than I could have planned!
Christine recently posted..A day on a motorbike in Phu Quoc
I feel the same way about Toronto, there is so much to do and see here. Now is the time to do it because later on I will be too busy.
I am looking forward to your posts on NYC, what a city to live in!
It sounds cliche, but sometimes these situations evolve for a reason.
It does sound like you are getting a bit of time to reflect (which is positive thing and something that many do not do).
We wish you the best of luck!
Everything is a lesson and it just takes time to see it.
Already I know it was a blessing that neither worked out, they weren`t right for me. But wow rejection stings.
Oh everything does happen for a reason and I am so glad you have found it out all ready and are living the positives.
I am sorry that things haven’t worked out but at the same time I’m really excited for you because I know something more perfect is on its way to you now!
Caz Makepeace recently posted..Things to Do in Northern Ireland
I was hesitant to write about it because I feel like every few months I have a woe is me post but writing is really cathartic for me. It almost seems once I hit publish I am able to move on from it.
I had a similar experience when I came back to Mazatlan. Then I kept working at it. Kept pushing forward. I can’t imagine being anywhere else in the world.
Now I’m seeing good relationships filter to the top. Good friendships, and although some months I wish I was bringing in more money I can’t complain I’m in a better place than I’ve been in 5 years. So then I’m just grateful that I kept fighting for what I wanted.
I might add there’s always a welcome place for you here in Mazatlan in this amazing city and community.
As much as “tourist” trips show you our city the best part of our city is the people. Not the food, not the hotels, not the sights. It’s the warmth the richness, and then how that transforms you to take it on as well.
Maybe this winter if things grow cold up north for you you can stop by for a cup of chai and some good friendship making in the pearl of the pacific.
David recently posted..Using Failure To Succeed
I have contemplated winter in Mexico, not because Toronto is difficult but because it is so cold. I do believe Toronto is home, I just think I may have been impatient and wanted it all to work so quickly.
Ayngelina, as always, today’s blog entry really speaks to me. I feel the same about life in San Diego, CA after a year in Lima. I’m challenged with making it work in San Diego again. But the thing is, I gave this all up nearly 2 years ago because it wasn’t for me anymore. So I’m just doing something for in the meantime, trying to pay off debt and save money so I can move onto wherever my heart (and head) wants to go next. I’ve read enough of your entries to see, and in fact you actually write this in your “The secret I’m most afraid to tell you” entry, that your heart is no longer in Toronto. I know you’re making the best of the moment, and that’s so important because you have to find contentment and peace in today. But long term I don’t think it’s possible to make something work when your heart just isn’t in it any longer. Please, I hope that one day I get online to find that you’ve moved to a lovely town in Mexico a few months, or a year, or a lifetime, where your heart truly belongs. In the meantime, I will be here, along with the rest of your supporters, to root for you.
I am still trying to find my balance. I know I can no longer be nomadic and if I lived in any city in Canada it would definitely be Toronto.
It is not easy. Even though I have come home, the journey to figure out WTF I am doing with my life continues.
Being so free (for a little while at least) does have its advantages. I expect you get dozens of invitations in every day’s inbox that you normally can’t fit in. It’s so hard to find enough time for all the research, volunteering and networking! I expect you’ll even feel a little disappointed when your love life and your day job both kick back into full swing.
Sarah B. Hood recently posted..Splurges and Bargains at the 2012 Wines of Chile Annual Tasting
Money and love…I hope they aren`t disappointing!
I love Golden Girls! Thats the best antidote to feeling sorry for yourself. Rose Nylan can pull you out of anything!
Sometimes getting kicked in the butt can motivate you forward, so good on ya for taking that tack rather than wallowing! Wallowing is OK for a day or two then its time to move on!
Good luck re-finding yourself in Toronto!
Andrea recently posted..Gratuitous Henry pic of the week…
Thanks for the support. The good thing is that wallowing around for more than a weekend can get tiring really fast and then you have to pick yourself up and figure things out.
I can relate to this and you are right it is all about the way you look at things, I think you are definitely taking the right approach getting back into the things that you love and enjoying each day for what it is I’m sure things will work out great for you
Brendon of Nerd Travels recently posted..The Crash After The High
Well I figure I can either mope around or change things. I did enough moping, it is time to start changing.
The Golden Girls fix everything. I’m now making my brother’s partner watch clips of them on YouTube as he’s never seen the show before.
It sounds like you’ve taken some really positive steps towards living the life you want to lead in Toronto. We all have disappointments, but it’s how you deal with them that counts.
Tom @ Waegook Tom recently posted..Dulce de Leche-rous
I always try to remember that in a week, in a month, in a year it always seems less disappointing as it does in the moment.
Home. That place you just know is for you. That’s how I feel about Mazatlan… Always have from the day I arrived the first time.
But it hasn’t been easy. I wanted it easy but the journey to fight for it has been hard. Really hard at times.
I’ve had to leave a few times and return…
And the love I have for her continues to grow…
If you love Toronto… Fight for it. Be patient… If it’s meant to be it will be.
If it was easy you wouldn’t appreciate it as much.
Peace, love, and blessings Ayngelina
David recently posted..How I’m Going To Retire In 2 Years
Dealing with some of our own disappointments at the moment so this is a good reminder to stop and take stock of what is working and what isn’t – I am at exactly the same point right now where I’m saying “we have nothing.” That probably sounds a stretch but it’s important to look at things in relation to your goals and sometimes when you realize how far away you are from those goals, you realize that the only way to go is up – and how you won’t and cannot tolerate anything in your life that does not contribute to achieving those ends.
Andrea recently posted..Day Trip To Porvoo From Helsinki
That does suck, no doubt. Things will get better (don’t they have to with The Hogga living close?).
I’ve been in a major funk since I returned from my month in New Zealand in June. I do have a job, but it’s been one s**tstorm after another. I came back from NZ determined not to fall back into that super stressed lifestyle, and as of now, it sure hasn’t worked. I had hoped that I could sustain the absolute high of that trip. It just wasn’t meant to be. I’m at least 6 months away from any kind of traveling (more likely 8 or 9, if at all next year) and there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think about how empty I feel when I don’t know when that next departure is.
So there’s my sob story- boohoo me
Anyway, I’m sure things will turn around for you soon- good things happen to good people, or so I’ve been lead to believe. Here’s to you proving that old adage right!
Erik recently posted..Orlando- Tacky Souvenir Capital of the World
Good to see you writing more personally! It’s too hard (and time consuming) only to keep up on FB chat.
I’m trying to find my feet in being in North America too!
It’s hard to jump off into the unknown and start travelling. But it’s even scarier to come back after several years and face normal life with normal people.
No worries. You’re legit. You’re totally going to nail it this like you did traveling, blogging, and evangelizing bacon.
Matt Gibson recently posted..How We Missed the Peak of Jade Mountain by Less Than 100 Meters
I’m very glad you shared this A! Not only is important to share the lows (which gives perspective for the highs) but the fact that you found the silver lining is beautiful.
Take the time for yourself to acknowledge and nurture the littlest things in your life that bring you joy. Cooking, fresh veggies, volunteering and the like.
It’s when things become still that you can really stop, take a breath and reassess.
Get all you can out of this pause.
I’ve felt slightly alone as well this past few days as I pause on the road and spend some time by myself. (I didn’t realize it’d be during a holiday back home – my weak points.) But, I am enjoying this time to recalculate, give my mind a rest and figure out what my next step will be.
I hope you are able to do the same.
As a sidenote
Oops I hit post to soon.
As a sidenote: go a head and blare that music while you cook. The neighbors are VERY used to it.
I have the hugest smile knowing my girls are lifting your spirits. Those 4, D and I have spent many a night laughing and crying together, so go ahead and keep them company all you want.
I’m excited to see how the next step of your journey plays out.
Sending you love from Macedonia.
When one door closes, another opens.
You’ll be fine Ayngelina, you’re a strong, intelligent person and big plus – fun to hang out with:)
These traits will help you find the life you want to live.
Hey sweetie,
I think you have the biggest gift that a lot people forget to cherish – freedom. You can enjoy doing things you really like take time to plan out your next step in your life and try new things that make you happy. Above all you have a great spirit. Guys come and go only the right one stay and I’m sure you’ll meet that someone later. With all your advertising experience and background I believe there’s always a next gig. The best thing about our industry is you can do contract or perm. Enough say (I think I talk too much haha:) )best luck with everything girl.
Ha! Maybe I need to watch a Golden Girls marathon when I’m feeling rejected. I don’t do well with being rejected and I’ve been taking it personally lately which I realize is stupid but sometimes I can’t separate business from my personal feelings. I’m glad you decided to stay put for a while and get some organic veggies. Eating healthy always makes feeling positive a whole lot easier. Good luck in your new adventure in Toronto!
Christy recently posted..Spontaneity and Adventure in Idyllwild