I wrote about this in September’s newsletter, where I share things that I may not always want to live permanently on my site but after receiving so many notes of support I thought I should post here as well.
It’s been a bumpy road.
Although I said I was retiring from nomadic life last December, I haven’t been around Toronto much at all. I had hoped to stick around all summer but there was Portland, New York and Montreal. I haven’t felt settled. So I was ready for Labour Day to start really feeling like I lived in Toronto.
Not so fast.
I mistakenly counted on two things 1) My old agency could take me back on a contract. We had spoken back in June and things looked good. 2) I would have more time for this guy I was seeing (yes I know I said I didn’t want to write about my dating life but it factors into this story).
Nothing worked out.
The agency doesn’t have any work and that guy decided it was not going to work with him either.
The first few days I felt really alone.
My friends have been wrapped up in their own things lately and that was fine because I was away most of the summer and spending my free time with the boy. But without the boy or a job and no friends I was lonely.
How did I get here?
After a day of wallowing in ridiculous self-pity, eating dubious amounts of chocolate and watching a 12-hour marathon of the Golden Girls I realized something.
I’m happy I have nothing.
I jumped into a relationship without having a foundation. Over the summer I was just running from one thing to another. I couldn’t even really buy groceries because I was always out of the city doing something else.
Sure it sucks that I’m single and unemployed. But the flip side is that I have this tremendous gift. I have the time to figure out what I really want in this city. I can devote my days to what is important to me. All it took was changing my frame of thinking and I realized that being dumped by my agency and guy were the two best things that could happen.
I have been cooking. Something that I love to do and just didn’t find the time before. I could spend hours chopping vegetables and listening to music, it’s like meditation to me.
I signed up for a local organic box. I had put this off all summer because if you pay for a big box of vegetables to come every week you need to cook a lot, I got my first box from Fresh City Farms and I was overjoyed to see heirloom tomatoes.
I have been doing yoga. My studio is right behind my building but I didn’t go all summer!
I have been going to the gym. I am lucky there is a gym in my building. I now have the time to get back into the shape I was before traveling.
I have been volunteering. I’ll share more this week but I’ve started talking to people in the community about helping them out with events.
This is all to say that sometimes things happen and they make you feel terrible about yourself and your future. Yes eventually I would like to be earning more money and I would like to be dating. But right now I’m taking this time as the pre-cursor to that. Some people go to find themselves on the road. I did it two and a half years ago.
But now I need to find myself in Toronto.