Since I have arrived back to Toronto things have been emotional. The problem with being introspective is that you tend to overanalyze everything. It is not a good thing.
Things are familiar but I am a stranger.
It’s not about going back to work. Examining how everyone interacts with me is problematic; if someone is too busy to meet I jump to the conclusion that they do not care about me.
Though I was gone for a year and a half it feels like no time has passed and I have this unrealistic expectation that things should be the same. It’s like a wrinkle in time, but I have learned something important.
I’m kinda a jerk.
I have been selfish, impatient, trying to slip back into my old life. But that life no longer exists.
And just as I am different so is everyone else.
It is unreasonable to come back after travel for a year and a half and expect everyone to be the same. I changed and so did they – my ex is seeing someone else, my best friend got married, another had a baby, some friends went from voraciously single to committed relationships.
But if I keep saying I can’t go back to my old life isn’t this what I want. I don’t want things to be the same so instead of wasting my time mourning my old life is gone, it is better to focus on the new one.
As much as it hurts to admit I need to stop being so self centered and realize that I’m not everyone’s first priority. Sometimes when you travel for so long and experience sheer selfishness you forget the sun doesn’t rise and set just for you.
It hurts when you realize you are the cause of the problem. But at least now I know and I’m ready to really start from scratch this time.
I just hope my friends have room for me now.